The unspoken rules of French etiquette can be confusing for even the most seasoned traveler. The media portrays French people sophisticated, intellectual and completely disinterested in tourists who don’t speak fluent French, so how can you ever figure out how to negotiate the ins and outs of French society and culture?
Well, the good news is that French people are much friendlier (and more tolerant!) than the media portrays. However, understanding French etiquette and French manners is essential if you want to have positive interactions with the French people you meet during your travels.
There are six basic rules of French etiquette that apply to pretty much every situation you might encounter when traveling in France. After that, there are few little, specific rules you should know about dining out and being invited into a French home. And finally, at the end of this article, I’m going to share two bonus tips that will help you avoid, and get out of, sticky situations.
When you finish reading, leave a comment and let me know how French etiquette differs from etiquette in your home country!
Basic French Etiquette and Manners
The first six rules of French etiquette apply to pretty much every situation you’ll encounter in France, from arriving at the airport to checking in to your hotel to visiting The Louvre. They reflect overarching trends in French culture: formality, neutrality and politeness.
1. Always Start with “Bonjour!”
None of the rules that follow this will help if you can’t remember to follow the cardinal rule of French etiquette: starting every interaction with a friendly, “Hello!” Whether you’re checking into your hotel, hailing a taxi in the street, walking into a restaurant or buying a ticket to the museum, it’s essential that you start every interaction wit this simple pleasantry.
Of course, in light of Rule #2 (see below), you can’t start with “hello”. Instead, start with “bonjour” during the morning and afternoon, or “bonsoir” in the evening. You might hear people say “salut“, but as a visitor it’s best to save this informal greeting for use with friends and family. You can hear the pronunciation of all of these words in this short YouTube video.
If you forget to start an interaction with a friendly hello, you can expect the other person to respond in a frosty manner. There’s really no saving the conversation at this point in time, so wrap it up quickly, remember to thank them with a polite “merci” as you leave, and do better next time.
2. Try to Speak French
When in France, speak French. It seems obvious, but some travelers are surprised to discover that not all French people can speak English (or want to!). If you don’t already speak French, try to learn some French before your trip. You could do this with an app, a computer program, French YouTube videos or even a French conversation group in your hometown.
If you can’t get your message across in French, ask the other person if they speak English before you assume they can (or will!). “Parlez-vous anglais?” means “Do you speak English?” If they answer yes, you can switch over to English, remembering to speak slowly, clearly and quietly…
3. WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?
Which brings me to the next rule of French etiquette – stop shouting! In France, people typically speak at a low volume, so they can only be heard by the people they are speaking with. In other cultures (USA and China, I’m talking to you!) a higher volume is more common. When you’re in France, try to match your volume to the French people around you. This is especially important in places like restaurants and subway cars, where many people are in close proximity and, to be frank, the locals simply don’t want to hear every word that comes out of your mouth.
4. Dress Appropriately for the Occasion
While not every French person will be wearing haute couture, most French people will have put some thought into what they’re wearing. To fit in, and show respect, you should also put some thought into what you wear.
Women, dress with the word “tasteful” in mind. French women like neutral colors, classic cuts and simple designs. You can absolutely wear bright colors or a bold print, but you will stand out (compare Emily in Paris to her friend Camille to see what I mean). Athleisure is becoming more popular in France, but it’s more suited for a walk in the park and a take-out coffee than for a nice meal out.
Men, same thing. Shorts are uncommon in Paris, but on a hot day you can get away with a nice pair of slim-fitting Bermuda shorts and a lightweight button-down linen shirt. Wearing a baseball hat will result in some raised eyebrows, and you definitely have to take it off if you’re going inside anywhere even semi-nice.
If you’re planning on going to any “nice” restaurants, operas or even nightclubs, check the venue’s website before you go to see if they have a dress code.
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5. Don’t Get Too Personal
Different cultures have different ideas about appropriate topics of conversation, and just as the French prefer tasteful fashions, they also prefer tasteful topics. If you’re chatting with someone you don’t know well, keep the conversation light, general and uncontroversial. Sex, politics, money… don’t go there. Even family and marital status can be considered too personal. Stick to neutral topics like the weather, your travels in France, movies, books and uplifting current events.
6. Keep Your Cool
It’s easy to be polite when everything is smooth sailing, but the true test of French etiquette is whether you can keep your cool when things go wrong. In France, it’s considered disrespectful to shout, argue, toss out insults or over-react in any other ways, even if something is clearly the other person’s fault. When something bad happens, you’re more likely to reach a resolution by remaining calm, being firm and clearly stating how the other person can fix the issue.
French Restaurant Etiquette Tips
French restaurants are famous around the world. With waiters in crisp white shirts and black vests, tables overlooking cobblestone streets, and menus listing local and seasonal specialties, French restaurants are special places. Don’t ruin the vibe by making an etiquette error – follow these simple rules to make the most of your meal.
7. The Chef is Always Right (Not the Customer)
If you’re dining in a traditional French restaurant, it is generally considered rude to make demands of the chef. Instead of asking that a specific dish be adjusted to your personal tastes or dietary requirements, it’s better to inform your waiter or waitress of your wants and needs, and to let them guide you towards an existing menu item that would be a good match.
If you order a dish and find that you don’t like it… too bad. If the dish is served as described on the menu and as the chef intended, you shouldn’t complain. However, if you think that a mistake was made (for example, you ordered an omelette but you were served a bowl of onion soup) you can politely explain your concerns to the server (see Rule #6 above!).
8. And Your Server is an Expert
You should treat all service staff that you encounter with respect, no matter where you are. In France, this is extra-important, however. French waiters and waitresses are considered to be professionals, who are knowledgeable about French cuisine, the dishes on their menu, and customer service. Serving is a profession and your server knows what he or she is doing, so your interactions with them should reflect that.
9. No, You Can’t Share That
In French restaurants, each diner is expected to order their own dish. Ordering two drinks and a main dish to share is a major faux-pas. #sorude! If you can’t afford, or aren’t hungry enough, for two sit-down meals, don’t go to a restaurant. Instead, visit a boulangerie (bakery) and pick up pre-made sandwiches to go, or grab a quick crepe from one of the many street vendors you’ll find around town.
10. Ask for the Bill
A lot of foreign tourists complain about the slow pace of French restaurant service. A common complaint is having to wait ages for the cheque after a meal. In fact, your French server is trying to be polite by leaving you to enjoy some conversation and people-watching at your table after your meal is finished, and it would be considered rude to rush you out. If you’re ready for the bill, just ask your server for, “L’addition, s’il vous plait.” and it will be delivered promptly.
11. And No, You Can’t Split the Bill Either
Speaking of bills, you can’t split it. One person in your dining party should pay the entire bill, and if your group is sharing the costs, it should be done privately, not at the expense of the server’s time or efforts. Note that if you’re out for dinner or drinks with locals, splitting the bill is considered a bit tacky. Typically, one person will pay the whole bill this time, and someone else will get it the next time.
12. There’s No Excuse for a No-Show
I used to teach middle school civics, and one of the things we taught the students was that rights come with responsibilities. In French restaurants, you have the right to eat at a leisurely pace and continue enjoying your table after you finish the meal. That comes with a responsibility: to let the restaurant know if you won’t be able to make your reservation. Unlike North American restaurants, which turn over tables quickly and get multiple seatings in and out all night, you could be the only people at your table all night, and if you don’t show up for your reservation, the restaurant will lose all their potential profit for the evening. Do the right thing and let them know if you won’t be there.
Etiquette in a French Home
Lucky you! Not everyone has the privilege of getting invited to a French home during their stay in France. You can show respect for your host by keeping these four simple guidelines in mind during your visit (and, of course, by inviting them chez vous if they’re ever in your hometown!).
13. Bring a Hostess Gift
If you’re lucky enough to be invited to a French home for dinner, don’t show up empty-handed. It’s polite to bring a nice bottle of wine or a box of chocolates (from a chocolatier, not from the supermarket!). If you know that you’ll be visiting a French home before you depart for your trip, you could also bring something special from your home country. For example, as a Canadian, I like to bring a few small bottles of high-quality maple syrup to give to my hosts.
14. Arrive (Almost!) on Time
If you’re invited to a French home, plan to arrive 15 to 20 minutes after the stated start time. It’s very rude to arrive early (your host will still be preparing for your arrival), and it’s also disrespectful to be more than 30 minutes late.
15. Keep Your (Clean!) Shoes On
Most French homes don’t have wall-to-wall carpeting, meaning it’s more common for guests to keep their shoes on when they visit a French house. Unless your hosts suggests otherwise, it’s safe to assume you can keep your shoes on. If you know that your shoes are unusually dirty, let your host know when you arrive and they will advise you on next steps (no pun intended!).
16. Don’t Poke Around the House
Again, the right to keep your shoes on comes with a responsibility: staying in the areas that your host has designated as the gathering area. Don’t wander around their house, ask to see their bedroom, or check out their home office. It’s not just that your shoes might be dirty, though – French people value their privacy and make clear distinctions between areas that are for entertaining and areas that are only for family use.
Extra French Etiquette Tips
These two little French etiquette tricks will help everything go more smoothly during your trip to France. Make sure to try out the second one, and let me know how it goes!
17. Avoid Criticizing France
There are some things that suck about France. People let their dogs poop on the sidewalk. Someone is always on strike. Trains are insanely expensive. The Eiffel Tower looks better from below than from the top viewing deck, and you don’t find out until you’ve bought – and used – your ticket.
The second-last rule of French etiquette is that you should keep these complaints to yourself (or share them with other foreigners). French people aren’t interested in hearing complaints about the country they love, and endless whinging about everything that’s better back home is unlikely to endure you to the locals.
18. When All Else Fails, Try “Le System D”
débrouiller = to disentangle
débrouillardise = resourcefulness
se démerder = to remove yourself from the shit
France is famous for its bureaucracy, but arcane government policies aren’t the only barriers you’re likely to encounter during your trip. Fortunately, the French have designed a system, known as Le System D, to deal with problems that arise.
Basically, the idea behind Le System D is that you use a combination of wit, charm, persistence and politeness to get what you want. Call in a favor, ask for help, negotiate, smile sweetly, compromise and stand your ground… just don’t debase yourself by resorting to rudeness. If you combine the previous seventeen rules of French etiquette with a little System D, you’ll overcome all the hurdles on your road to an amazing holiday in France.
Are any French etiquette rules different than the rules in your country? Let me know in the comments!
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